Polygyny is a very controversial topic today because there’d always be people on different sides of the table. The man seeking to bring in another wife, the woman looking to be married and the woman who is already married concerned about what is going to happen to her marriage and home.
Marriage is often done with emotions so no matter how nicely it is landed, it will come with a bit of resistance from the uncertainty of what’s about to happen.
The situation is not made better by many men who often go into it without factoring in the emotional state of the wife at home and how best to ease her concerns and worries.
This discussion will continue to happen for as long as Polygyny remains and we’d keep looking for how to keep improving our marital practices.
There’s however, the issue of how to make the most of it especially for the wife at home who gets to go through a lot of emotional spikes and dips.
Let’s begin with what cannot be changed, especially if you are a Muslim. A Muslim man is permitted Polygyny and this is well instituted. That’s not going to change. As such, marriage to a Muslim man should come with the knowledge that this can happen.
Unfortunately, many men today consciously or unconsciously, create a union with the first wife that calms her into the belief that Polygyny will not be triggered. This is where the issue begins.
At the point where the Polygyny is done, it is then often done without empathy or worse, in many cases, without capacity to even pull it off. Examples being in financial and sexual regards where a wife already feels like she’s managing.
This is a long topic but it’s become necessary in the face of societal trends to speak to wives who suddenly are faced with accepting this new reality.
Understand first that there is no compulsion in marriage and if it will come at a detriment to your mental health and peace, you are better off seeking an exit. This is much better than staying in and reacting in an extreme manner.
This, of course is not easy and after the whole initial rush,any eventually settle. However, things may never be the same again. The idea is not to keep looking for what you had with your husband as that is now gone. The idea is to look at how best to handle the new setup.
Let yourself know that regardless of whatever excuses made, there’s nothing wrong with you (no human is flawless). This decision has been made because your husband desires it not because there’s something wrong with you.
Accepting is difficult especially if you have spent the whole marriage being treated less than ideal or by measure of what extra sacrifices you have made in the believe that polygyny will not be triggered. However, you need to wake up to this reality for yourself because it’s the way to begin to heal and find your peace.
Refuse the temptation to be bitter, even though you may experience it slightly at the beginning. Let this be the wake up call to focus more on yourself and add more value. This could be spiritual value, physical value, educational value, financial value and even social value.
Create a happy bubble around yourself and your children such that anybody seeking to be a part of it would need to come correct.
Choose peace, choose growth and decide to be bigger than bickering and competition.
I wish I could tell you there won’t be tears, you will cry. When you do, don’t allow yourself to slip into depression or hurt yourself. As a human, emotions will flow, allow the tears, when they come to drain the hurt out of your system then rise from it and decide you will be better.
Go to your Creator with your worries and work on finding peace with Him. Seek professional help too with therapy, courses, vacations (as can be afforded) etc.
There’d be people lurking around to laugh at you, there’d be people pretending to care, there’d be people who actually do care. Whatever you do, put yourself first and let yourself understand that people will not always be loyal, that’s life.
Choose peace, choose growth. One day, it will all make sense.