Sensitive kids are processors whose brains rarely turn off. Highly sensitive children are amazing when we can fully understand their temperament
Parenting sensitive and emotional children is a tremendous privilege and responsibility — a privilege because they have extraordinary capacities for intuition, joy, and love; a responsibility because their souls are tender and more easily hurt. They don’t live on the surface of life. Rather, they ponder, they worry, they stew. When they’re happy, the house fills with sunshine. But when they’re sad, the house hides in shadow. When they’re hurt, they may brood for hours, even days.
So, how do we parent our sensitive children? Here are some ways to help
1. Coach Him/Her Patiently.
I remember a friend’s son running up to her at the park with a thick layer of crocodile tears after another boy told him he was too little to play on the wobbly rope bridge. She said, “OK, let’s take a break and dry those tears. Deep breaths.”
According to Elaine Aron, Ph.D., author of The Highly Sensitive Child, your sensitive child might be considered thin-skinned because of the frequency and intensity with which emotions pour out. Sensitive kids are often more emotional, empathetic, and prone to meltdowns or tantrums. You can coach a sensitive child to handle difficult emotions like rejection, frustration, fear, and sadness by regulating your own emotions and reactions in front of him/her. And avoid telling him/her to brush it off or toughen up. That’s not healthy to say to any child, much less one who feels emotions intensely.
2. Ponder Him/Her Empathetically.
Some kids who don’t like certain textures, sounds, or smells are sensitive kids. Dr. Aron says many highly sensitive kids are more easily overstimulated by input from their environment, and they often approach situations more cautiously. When my friend’s son asked to leave a classmate’s laser tag birthday party, she double-checked that was sure, and then they politely excused themselves.
It’s tempting to roll your eyes when your child responds to stimuli in a way that seems unreasonable. You want to say “Get over it already!” but instead, try to take in whatever your sensitive child is putting out and really ponder it, seeking to understand and empathize. My friend said, “I made myself imagine what it’s like to feel all the noise and images intensely, and it helps me be more patient.” I admire how hard she’s worked to understand her son better. Dr. Aron also recommends giving a highly sensitive kid downtime to rest and recharge.
3. Prepare Him/Her Thoughtfully.
Sensitive kids are cautious. They don’t like surprises or being forced into a situation, so preparing yours for changes or something uncomfortable is a great way to show them support and love. If your son is apprehensive about trying new things, don’t spring swim lessons on him by taking a turn into the YMCA when he thinks he’s going to visit with Grandpa.
When a highly sensitive child has to try something new, Dr. Aron explains, “They are overwhelmed, or afraid of being overwhelmed, by all the new stimulation that must be processed before they can relax.” You can prepare your new swimmer by arriving early for lessons or dipping in the pool the day before. Recognize what your child is feeling and ask what you can do to help make him more comfortable.
4. Validate His/Her Confidently.
Your highly sensitive child is special. You know that. Sensitivity is a gift, not a deficiency. In fact, research shows that sensitive kids are more creative and high achievers. Sensitive kids might need some extra confidence boosters from parents, though. When yours struggles or fails, be the voice that reminds him of the strengths he has or ways he’s overachieved. Dr. Aron recommends bringing up a success to match a failure to wire your child’s brain to build a healthy self-esteem. Remind your child how proud you are not just of what he’s done but who he is, in all of his uniqueness.
