Positive discipline is a style where parents and caregivers can reinforce good behaviors and extinguish undesirable behaviors without hurting the child physically or verbally.
Experts say positive discipline is more effective than traditional discipline in the long term and teaches kids a greater lesson than mere obedience.
Research has found that more traditional, or negative, forms of punishment fail to lead to long-term learning — and can actually contribute to more unwanted behavior, not less.
Picture this scene: Your child comes running into your room in tears. They’ve done something they know they shouldn’t have, and now they fear they’ll be in trouble.
They’re clearly already wracked with guilt, and they’re admitting their misstep to you.
How do you respond? What do you do? Would you remain calm and refrain from offering up punishments ?
Understanding Positive Discipline
Instead of yelling or screaming and doling out groundings and consequences when your kids are already feeling guilty enough , you should just talk to them about the consequences of their actions and remind them instead of a lesson you’ve long been trying to teach them: No one is perfect, and we all make mistakes.
Positive discipline is a style of discipline made popular by Dr. Jane Nelsen, based on the idea that parents and caregivers can reinforce good behaviors and extinguish undesirable behaviors without hurting the child physically or verbally,” said Dr. Scott Grant, MPH, FAAP, a pediatrician at Children’s Hospital of Michigan.
He explains that children are always looking to their caregivers for connection.
“Children who feel this connectedness are less likely to misbehave and are more likely to learn important social and life skills,” he said.
How Does Positive Discipline Differ From Traditional Discipline?
Positive discipline isn’t just about removing yelling and punishments from the parenting equation, though.
Ann DeWitt of DeWitt Counseling in Oswego, Oregon, is a licensed marriage and family therapist and a certified positive discipline parenting educator. She’s been teaching parenting for more than 20 years.
She says positive discipline often involves removing the extrinsic rewards system found in traditional parenting as well.
She gives the example of a child who’s continually getting up from the dinner table during a meal.
“Traditional discipline might use rewards and punishments to make the child behave (in the short term). For example, if you remain seated at the dinner table, you can have a half-hour of iPad afterward. Or, if you get up from your seat during dinner, you can’t have dessert.”
Positive discipline, on the other hand, doesn’t resort to either of those tactics..
Instead, DeWitt says a positive discipline approach would start with trying to figure out why the child has such a hard time remaining seated at the table, and then brainstorming solutions that meet everyone’s needs.
“Maybe the family goes for a walk before dinner to get the wiggles out, or the child stands at the table or sits on a yoga ball instead of a chair,” she said.
DeWitt says the difference between this path and a traditional discipline path is that “the parent is not seeking to control the child’s behavior, but to respect both the child’s needs and the parent’s needs.”
“The solutions are effective in the long term and teach a greater lesson than mere obedience,” she added.
Why Traditional Discipline Isn’t As Effective…?
For parents who were raised with a very different style of discipline, or who have come to believe that children need to be controlled and put in their place in order to develop into respectful adults, this style of discipline may seem too permissive and lax.
But Grant says a more negative style of discipline “usually includes raising of the voice, popping or spanking, which can be done from anger, and does not do much to help children learn why they should make a different choice next time.”
The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) backs up this statement, citing research that found more traditional, or negative, forms of punishment fail to lead to long-term learning — and can actually contribute to more unwanted behaviorTrusted Source, not less.
“The most important thing that parents can do is try not to discipline their children while they are angry,” Grant said. “They will be more likely to hurt their child physically or emotionally and will not be able to connect with their child or take on the spirit of someone trying to teach the child the best approach to making a better decision.”
Embracing Positive Discipline In Your Home
Perhaps the idea of positive discipline makes a lot of sense to you and is something you’d like to try, but you aren’t sure where to begin or how to stick to it in moments of true frustration.
After all, parenting is tough, and kids often work our last nerves. Don’t all parents lose their temper from time to time?
“Parents must first manage their own frustrations, especially when children inevitably do something they were specifically asked not to do or break something that has a lot of value to the caregiver,” Grant said.
In these situations, he says it’s important for parents to step back and find a way to manage their own emotions before trying to teach the child what the consequences of their actions should be.
But another big component of positive discipline, he explains, is trying to catch your child doing good as well: Praise them for their efforts and encourage their choices.
Parents can also play a role in creating an environment that reduces a child’s opportunities to make bad choices.
Grant says this may include removing screens from the play area “so that kids are not tempted to throw tantrums to watch videos and focus on other forms of play that teach children different skills.”
