Domestic Abuse: I Came, I Saw, I Conquered

Beatrice never imagined that the love she once cherished could turn into a nightmare. During her brief six-month courtship with Dayo, he was everything she had dreamed of: charming, caring, and attentive. A son of a pastor, he seemed well-bred and trustworthy. Long phone calls, thoughtful gifts, and tender words made her believe she had found the perfect partner.

Yet Dayo had a dark side. He was quick to anger and rarely forgave perceived slights. Minor disagreements often escalated, leaving Beatrice confused and anxious. Despite these warning signs, they married in Lagos just six months later. Their union, a registry marriage, produced three children, and for Beatrice—coming from a broken, impoverished home—the marriage initially felt like a fairy tale.

The reality, however, was far from it. On their wedding night, a minor disagreement ended with Dayo slapping Beatrice. What she had thought was a one-time incident soon became a painful pattern. Over the next nine years, the abuse escalated from slaps to full-blown beatings. One particularly harrowing incident involved Dayo assaulting her over a financial misunderstanding, leaving Beatrice unconscious and hospitalised for 18 hours.

Though Dayo begged for forgiveness, Beatrice resolved to end the marriage. Today, divorced and relocated abroad with her children, she is rebuilding her life, finally free from fear.

Beatrice’s story mirrors countless untold cases across Nigeria. Domestic violence remains an insidious epidemic affecting individuals regardless of age, gender, or socio-economic status.

In Lagos, Beatrice’s neighbour, Lade, recently faced a terrifying episode of domestic abuse. A heated argument with her husband, Desmond, escalated into violence, prompting her to stab him in self-defence. Desmond survived. Still, the incident underscores the alarming reality that many victims are not as fortunate.

According to the Lagos State Domestic and Sexual Violence Agency DSVA 6,456 cases of sexual and gender-based violence were reported between September 2023 and July 2024, with 73 per cent involving domestic violence against adults.

Experts warn that these numbers only scratch the surface due to under-reporting driven by stigma, intimidation, and societal norms.

Mental health professionals identify multiple factors contributing to domestic abuse, including cultural beliefs, psychological disorders, family dynamics, and economic hardships.

Domestic violence, according to them, is an epidemic manifesting as physical, sexual, psychological, emotional, or financial abuse. Dr James Okoh said traditional norms often perpetuate gender inequality, leaving women vulnerable to mistreatment, while a lack of mental health resources exacerbates aggressive behaviour in some perpetrators.

Development psychologist Dr Toyin Adaramoye highlights less visible forms of abuse, such as emotional, economic, and technological violence. She explains that controlling behaviour—isolating partners from friends and family, limiting financial autonomy, and monitoring digital activities—can cause long-lasting trauma and low self-esteem with severe mental consequences, including PTSD.

Legal experts stress the need for a multi-pronged approach to curb domestic violence. Marian Jones, former Chairperson of the International Federation of Women Lawyers, underscores the role of societal and religious structures in perpetuating male dominance and restricting women’s economic and social freedoms.

Analysts agree that ending domestic violence requires collective effort—from individuals to institutions. Awareness, mental health support, community engagement, and cultural shifts are crucial to protecting lives, preserving homes, and building a society where love no longer masks violence.