For thousands of years, the close relationship between grandparents and grandchildren was the norm, with at least one set of the former living not only close by, but sometimes in the same household as the latter.
Today, in our mobile and dispersed society, grandparents and grandchildren often live states apart and sometimes only get to see each other once or twice a year. That is, unless Grandma and Grandpa, or the parents of their grandchildren, prioritise living close by, or making more frequent visits.
This weekend, LEADERSHIP is talking about why you should consider structuring your life with that priority in mind, and the enormous benefits that accrue to both grandchildren and grandparents alike when you do.
Since time immemorial , grandmothers and grandfathers have played a crucial role in helping their grandchildren survive and thrive, and thus in helping all of society survive and thrive. It’s for this reason that anthropologist Sarah Blaffer Hrdy called grandparents humanity’“ace in the hole”.
grandparents magnify this role not only in cultures and individual families in which simple reproduction and bare physical survival remain salient concerns. In the modern day, grandparents of all kinds – grandmothers and grandfathers, paternal and maternal – contribute enormous benefits to their grandchildren, now in the form of greater emotional and psychological well-being.
It’s an equation that in fact works both ways
The Benefits Of Grandparents To Grandchildren
Research has shown that grandchildren who have a close emotional bond with their grandparents reap a variety of important benefits.
Children who have strong relationships with their grandparents demonstrate more prosocial behaviors like kindness and generosity and have less anxiety and depression than those who don’t. The involvement of grandfathers in particular has been shown to boost their grandchildren’s performance in school, self-esteem, and ability to emotionally adjust and make and maintain friends.
Why does a grandchild’s close relationship with his or her grandparents have such a positive effect on their life?
It has to do with the special kind of love, support, and mentoring only grandparents can provide.
The love of a parent is singular, but during a child’s formative years, it’s also an incredibly taxed commodity. As a parent you’re spinning a lot of plates. Not only are your kids in a high-need phase, but your career’s running on all cylinders as you try to get ahead and achieve financial security. Your mental bandwidth is divided into a hundred streams, you’re not always getting enough sleep (see: children’s high-need phase), you’ve got to keep track of all the details of their daily schedule, and your role is to be a disciplinarian.
Grandparents, in contrast, are a step removed from the responsibilities of day-to-day child-rearing and are typically juggling fewer balls in the air. Their career is usually winding down, or they’re in full-on retirement. They don’t have to deal with kids 24/7, are getting adequate rest, and can approach your kids with more time, fresh eyes, and unfettered focus.
As the cliché goes, grandparents are in a position to spoil their grandkids, and that’s not always a bad thing. Sure, maybe your kid doesn’t need a dozen of Grandma’s cookies or another new toy, but every child is benefited when they get lavished with greater attention and support.
Grandparents lend this attention and support in a variety of ways. Dr. James S. Bates, who studied the effects of grandfathers on their families, divides the kind of activities they do with their grandchildren into 7 categories (which apply well to grandmothers too):
Lineage — the effort to help grandchildren learn about and interpret the family’s history.
Mentoring— efforts to teach and pass on practical skills and knowledge.
Spiritual— offering comfort, encouragement, and advice.
Character — efforts to nurture and shape grandchildren’s character and personality as they become ethical and responsible members of society.
Recreation — efforts to organize, facilitate, and participate in leisure activities with grandchildren.
Family Identity — efforts to encourage strong family relationships and appropriate interpersonal behaviors among family members.
Investment work— assisting grandchildren in becoming financially self-reliant in adulthood.
In between and woven through these varied kinds of interactions, grandparents surround their grandchildren with a unique love — one that’s typically more fun, patient, and accepting and less critical than that which children receive from their parents. It’s a love that imparts a feeling of safety, security, and comfort. This sense of belonging can be particularly important during a child’s adolescence, when they may not feel like they fit in at school, and/or are having conflicts with Mom and Dad.
When you fall asleep under a loving grandparent’s roof, whether as a child or teenager, everything feels right in the world. Maybe it’s because their house is free of the hustle, bustle, and stresses of one’s parents’ house. Maybe it’s because you’re under the watchful eye of those who’ve seen their way through many decades of life and are still standing. Or perhaps it’s because you know that down the hallway are people who love you for who you are, not what you do.
It’s the kind of love every kid deserves to experience as much as possible.
The Benefits of Grandchildren to Grandparents
The benefits grandparents impart to their grandkids don’t just work one way, and in fact boomerang right back to them.
Grandparents who have the opportunity to be emotionally close to their grandchildren as well as provide them with functional support (transportation, help with chores or finances, etc.) have been shown to have less depression and more robust psychological health than those who do not.
Additionally, grandfathers who are actively involved in the lives of their grandchildren report more positive well-being than grandfathers who are more passive or disengaged, while grandmothers who spend time taking care of their grandchildren have a reduced risk of Alzheimer’s and other cognitive disorders.
On the flip side, when grandparents are denied access to their grandchildren, they develop symptoms of depression. Grandfathers become depressed faster than grandmothers, and while their symptoms lessen over time, those of deprived grandmothers linger on.
These effects are really not too surprising. Social bonds have been found to be one of the biggest contributors to cognitive and psychological health, while isolation is one of the largest factors in physical and mental decline. Older men and women who live apart from their family have in fact been found to have a 26% higher rate of death over a given period. Grandparents often report that the sense of love they feel for their grandchildren and the unconditional love they receive in return, buoys them up and fills their lives with a truly life-enhancing joy.
At the same time, grandparenting gives elders a sense of meaning, identity, and purpose, especially once they’ve left the workforce. In fact, according to one survey, 72% think “being a grandparent is the single most important and satisfying thing in their life” — rating this role higher than travel or financial security.
The satisfaction grandparents feel comes from taking part in all the roles mentioned above — teaching them new skills, imparting values, passing on traditions, and so on. Shaping and playing with a new generation rejuvenates their vitality. It’s a second chance to take part in raising children, and many grandparents say it’s even better and more enjoyable than the first time around.
The fulfillment experienced by grandparents, particularly by men it seems, also simply comes from the knowledge that their grandsons and granddaughters will continue their line; they can look at their little grandchildren’s faces and know a part of themselves will live on.
Culled from: https://www.artofmanliness.com
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